Miami Beach, FL. - In attempts to distract the media from his mom assaulting a valet attendant, LeBron James bought a minority stake in the Liverpool Football Club.
"I thought that by making this historic purchase, I would distract the media long enough so that they wouldn't have found out that my mom assaulted a valet attendant while she was drunk last night," said James.
Gloria James was reportedly clubbing last night with her girlfriends. When she felt that she was drunk enough to drive home, the valet brought her car. Gloria asked him if "anyone ever told him (the valet) he looks like Delonte West", to which the valet said "please don't rape me," and out of insult and frustration, Gloria smacked him. That's when the valet called the police.
"You take extended measures to keep your mom out of the public, but I can't hide her every time she has a DUI charge, or assaults a valet, or sleeps with my teammates. Whatever I do it's never enough," said James.
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