Pole Saw Enjoys Being Tool Shed Tramp

A Remington Pole Saw was caught this morning doing a pole dance in a tool shed located in Albuquerque, New Mexico. To many of the other tools delight, the pole saw was seen seductively slithering around its pole, and taking off its bra showing off its large and perky chain. Other tools did not deny the pole saw slutty behavior.

"I really like it when the pole saw gives me a lap dance," said a hammer.

Other tools in the shed do not welcome this risque behavior quiet as much. A family of Allen Wrenches were very verbal about their disgust with the pole saw's actions.

"This is a family shed, and we don't want that pole saw taking off its panties for everyone to see its triggering mechanism," said the 3/8 size Allen wrench. "We have a 5/64, and a 1/16 wrench, and they are in no condition to see this sort of activity."

Besides the Allen family, many of the other tool enjoy the pole saws "tramping" ways.

"What do you expect? I'm a pole saw. I have a giant pole. I'm the only power tool you can hold eight feet over your head to cut down a tree branch," said the pole saw after giving some Christmas decorations a private show on the top shelf in the shed.

(Photo Credit Tim Price)

38% Of Americans Too Dumb To Be American

In a recent study, NEWSWEEK gave 1,000 Americans the U.S. Citizenship Test, which 38 percent failed. The U.S. citizenship test is composed of 100 questions across five categories that no one gives a crap about: American government, systems of government, rights and responsibilities, American history, and integrated civics. Ten questions from the 100 are chosen randomly for the test-taker. To pass, people only need to answer six questions correctly.

Of the 1,000 participants, 76 percent didn't know the vice presidents nickname, 35 percent have no idea what Congress does, and 8 percent couldn't circle the United States on a map with a crayon.

Patriotic American and gun lover, Tim Price, was embarrassed by the research. "I'm embarrassed by this research," said Price.

In response to the recent study, the school board president is thinking about adding an addition two years of American history to the current high school curriculum.

If anyone is interested in seeing if they are smart enough to be an American, you can take a practice test here.

LeBron James Planning Return Trip To Cleveland To Admit He’s A Douchebag

NBA player, LeBron James, is planning a return trip to Quicken Loans Area in Cleveland tomorrow night to admit he is a big bag of douche. He announced the trip yesterday, and believes it is finally time to acknowledge that he was a complete jerk to the fans of Cleveland.

"He's a giant douchebag," said Cavaliers fan, Stephen Pirovolos.

Many Cleveland fans are mad because of the words James spoke to the city, leading them to believe he was there to bring them a championship, when he said, “I got a goal, and it’s a huge goal, and that’s to bring an NBA championship here to Cleveland, and I won’t stop until I get it,” then left the city like a coward without telling anyone on the team.

“Now when I said ‘I got a goal’ and ‘bring an NBA championship to the city’ and ‘won’t stop until I get it’ what I should have said is, ‘I'm a great big douchebag,’” said James after giving his new teammates, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh, a hug and a kiss after their win last night over Huston.


(Photo credit: http://randomfunnypicture.com/tag/douchebag/)

Cinderella Plays For Trip To NCAA National Title

Disney Princess, Cinderella, will play for yet another chance to compete in the NCAA Division I men's basketball National Championship. At an impromptu rally last night, Cinderella made a bold claim with her return to the Final Four.

"I love you all so much. This year has been magical, and we plan to celebrate with a happy ending," she said.

Cinderella lost by two points in last years title game, but hopes this year will be different. Cinderella's coach and Fairy Godmother believes it will be.

"Cinderella has been working hard all season long. She just needs to stay strong in the post, and defend shots the way we practiced. If she can do that, no team will be able to stop her," said the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella will play the winner of the VCU/KU match up later today.

Oompa-Loompas Go On Strike

After forty-seven long years without a complaint, Willy Wonka’s Oompa-Loompas went on strike this past week protesting their harsh working conditions in the chocolate factory. They were seen picketing outside of the Wonka factory singing and dancing their complaints.

“Oompa-Loompa doompadadedoo. If you are wise you’ll listen to me. What do you get when you pay no salary? Working and working all, day, long, without any heat on! Oompa-Loompa doompadadee. We are on strike as you can see,” sang the Oompa-Loompas.

The Loompas strike comes as a great surprise to factory manager and company CEO, Willy Wonka, who is not happy about the situation.

“I rescued those ungrateful bastards from a hell-hole of an island, and this is how they repay me? Fine, I’ll just send them back to Loompaland with all the other Whangdoodles, Hornswogglers, Snozzwangers, and Vermicious Knids!” exclaimed Wonka.

Despite Wonka’s grim outlook on the strike, both parties are currently working out a deal. Although the Loompas demands are still unclear, we do know they do want $8.50/hour wage, and one free Scrumdiddlyumptious bar per day. Wonka hopes to have the factory up and going again by next week.