750 Million People Expected To Have Nothing Better To Do Than Watch The Royal Wedding

London, UK - On the eve of the much talked about "Royal Wedding", 750 million people are expected to tune in because they "have nothing better do be doing" when it will be aired. The wedding is scheduled to kick off at 3:00 AM EST. The actual ceremony however will take place at 6:00 AM after a brief halftime break.

"I'm really looking forward to watching this wedding," said wedding crasher Jeremy Grey. "They're going to have crab cakes at the reception! How can you not have fun eating crab cakes?"

Television sponsors are also looking forward to the Royal Wedding. Doritos and Budweiser reportedly spend one-million-dollars each for their thirty second commercials.

Although hundreds of millions of people and little girls are looking forward to watching the wedding, the rest of the world will celebrate joyously after it is over for the fact that they will no longer be hearing about the royals on every news program, news website, newspaper, news magazine, news radio, and movie trailer previews 24/7.

Petra Nemcova eliminated from 'Dancing with the Stars' For Not Being An Actual Star

After a night of trying to figure out why Petra Nemcova is famous, judges were baffled and unsure why she was invited on the show in the first place. Immediately after her dance, judges scratched their heads and sent Petra home.

"Petra Nemcova? Who the hell is that?" Question morning talk show host, Erika Viking.

After taking a poll asking people who Petra Nemcova is, only 4% answered correctly saying she was a "super model", 57% answered "some woman", and 39% answered "the name of a flower". It should be noted that half of the 4% were just blind guesses.

Now that Petra is off the show, viewers can focus on the more important stars like Ralph Macchio, who has not been famous since the early 90's.

Sarah Silverman Set To Star In Terrible Movie Later This Year

Sarah Silverman will be starring in undoubtedly a terrible movie later this year as she recreates her role as "the bitch".

"I don't like playing the bitch, but someone's got to do it. I mean, listen to my voice. I naturally sound like a bitch...plus it's the only role I can get paid money for doing," said Silverman.

Movie goers everywhere are sick and tired of Silverman's high pitched, whinny voice.

"Movies are made to escape reality. If I wanted to listen to a bitch scream all day then I'd stay home and listen to my girlfriend," said avid movie goer Daniel Chesterson.

Fortunately for us, we can skip Silverman's next performance while simultaneously missing out on her co-star's (Seth Rogan) quest to probably find the ultimate marijuana.

Robert Pattinson Riding The Messy Hair Style All The Way To The Bank

Robert Pattinson has no plans of taming that wild jungle on the top of his skull anytime soon. His outrageous head of hair looks like he stylishly mopped a floor with his head, and it works. He has worked in 16 films since making his way on the scene in 2004, largely thanks to his lack of caring when he wakes up in the morning. Despite his on screen success, his hair has mixed reviews.

"Just look at it. It's a mess. It looks like a forest of dead trees," said messy hair enthusiast Tommy Mayfield.

"I think it's just dreamy. I'd love to stick my head in there and do some exploring," said Twilight fan Jessica Thompson.

Although his hair is messy, and at times downright disgusting, Pattinson has no plans of getting a cut, or buying a comb.

"I like my hair just the way it is. What's wrong with that?" Questioned Pattinson after finding a lost dog in his hair while running his hand through it.


(Photo Credit www.posh24.com)

Barry Bonds Found Guilty For Being Manny Ramirez's Baby Daddy

Barry Bonds was found guilty yesterday for being the baby daddy of former MLB player Manny Ramirez's newborn.

"I should not have hidden my affection for Manny. He's always been there when I needed him most, and I am proud to be his baby's daddy," said Bonds.

Ramirez has been found guilty for taking female fertility drugs, but up until his yesterday no one knew who the baby's daddy was. Baseball fan and female fertility drug enthusiast, Erik Hausmanis, had this to say.

"I'm not surprised by this at all. Bonds would be the kinda guy that would impregnate a someone like Ramirez," said Hausmanis.

Although both men lack a fertilizable egg, the two still managed to have a baby together.

Victoria's Secret Revealed By Gabby Neighbor

Reynoldsburg, OH - Victoria's secret was let out of the bag this afternoon by Victoria's gabby next door neighbor. Soon after the discovery, the neighbor was tweeting and facebooking to her friends what she had just found out.

"I don't know how she found out my secret. I've kept it safe for 34 years, and then some blabbermouth just tells it to the entire world," said Victoria.

The gabby neighbor casually brought up the secret in 34 different conversations with community residents, tweeted the secret 13 times on Twitter, posted it as her Facebook status twice, and mass text everyone in her cell phone contact list.

“You want to know what Victoria’s secret is?” Asked the gabby neighbor as she leaned in to tell the secret. “She doesn’t wear any underwear!”

It is still unclear how the gabby neighbor found out about the secret, but one thing is clear, Victoria’s “secret “ is no longer a secret anymore.

Manny Ramirez Retiring From Baseball To Have A Baby

Tampa Bay, FL - MLB slugger, Manny Ramirez, is hanging up his uniform after 19 years to give birth to his first child.

"I'm really excited I'm having a baby, but I can't continue playing baseball while I'm pregnant. What if I got hit by a pitch in the stomach? That's insane man," said Ramirez at a press conference Friday.

His decision to retire came after his teammate, B.J. Upton, caught him vomiting from morning sickness.

"It was disgusting. He was throwing up all over the place. He's also been a lot more moody lately," said Upton.

Although Ramirez is a man, he has been actively taking woman's fertility drugs in hopes of becoming pregnant. Those hopes have finally paid off, and he is expecting his baby in mid-to-late January.

(Photo Credit to www.midwestsportsfans.com)

Donald Trump Seriously Wants To Be Taken Serious About Seriously Running For President

New York City, NY - When Donald Trump threw in his name as a potential presidential candidate, most people thought he was joking. "Oh yeah, Donald Trump for president. That'll be the day," was the thought process of 98% of the people who first heard claims that Trump wanted to run for president. Despite peoples reluctance to accept the possibility that Donald Trump might actually run for president, he is deadly serious about running.

"I wish I didn't have to do it, but for this country to get back on top, they need me. I'm serious this time...why are you laughing," said Trump.

Along with sharing the same name is a very famous duck, the self promoting billionaire is also the host of successful reality TV show, The Apprentice.

"My first day in office, I'm going up to Obama, and I'm going to tell him 'he's fire,'" said Trump.

With debate on whether or not Trump will run for election in 2012, he is looking forward to the added media attention to feed his appetite for his ever growing ego, who he appropriately nicknamed, "Donald The Great".

LeBron James Buys Into Liverpool FC While Mom Assaults A Valet

Miami Beach, FL. - In attempts to distract the media from his mom assaulting a valet attendant, LeBron James bought a minority stake in the Liverpool Football Club.

"I thought that by making this historic purchase, I would distract the media long enough so that they wouldn't have found out that my mom assaulted a valet attendant while she was drunk last night," said James.

Gloria James was reportedly clubbing last night with her girlfriends. When she felt that she was drunk enough to drive home, the valet brought her car. Gloria asked him if "anyone ever told him (the valet) he looks like Delonte West", to which the valet said "please don't rape me," and out of insult and frustration, Gloria smacked him. That's when the valet called the police.

"You take extended measures to keep your mom out of the public, but I can't hide her every time she has a DUI charge, or assaults a valet, or sleeps with my teammates. Whatever I do it's never enough," said James.

U.S. Government To Take Vay-Cay To Sunny Destination

WASHINGTON D.C. - In light of the ongoing standoff in Washington over the federal budget, government officials have decided to take a vacation to a sunny destination. President Obama announced earlier today that a "vay-cay" is exactly what everyone needs right now.

"It's clear that we are having many issues here in Washington, so to alleviate stress, I have decided to fly every government official to Hawaii," said President Obama. "This will give me a chance to see some of my family, and it'll give everyone else a chance to take a load off. Running the country isn't as easy as I thought it was going to be."

The president was hoping to save money on airfare by flying everyone Southwest, but after he found out Southwest does not fly to Hawaii, he broke down and chartered a private jet for everyone.

The vacation should only last a few days, but is expected to cost the American people three quarters of a billion dollars.

Facebook Scheduling To Change Facebook 37 More Times This Year

The ever changing Facebook is at it again. Already April of this year, Facebook has scheduled 37 more changes they would like to make over the next year. Company founder and CEO, Mark Zuckerberg commented on the changes.

"We're never satisfied with the website. Whenever we think we're on top, someone else comes out with a new way of social networking, and we have to copy whatever the hot thing is at the time," said Zuckerberg. "We also want to change the privacy settings every other week without people knowing about it.

Many of the websites formatting changes are set to take place randomly throughout the year. Users will have the option of delaying the new changes, before the are ultimately applied against their will.

"We expect people to complain about the changes at first, but they'll come around," said Zuckerberg while he fanned himself off with hundred dollar bills.

Kate Upton Beats Kirstie Alley On Dancing With The Stars

Supermodel Kate Upton beat out Kirstie Alley and partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy last night on Dancing With The Stars by demonstrating how to Dougie dance at an LA Clippers game.

"I'm excited my dance did so well, but I'm not sure how I earned a higher score than Kirstie and Maksim on DWTS. I mean, I'm not even a contestant on the show," said Upton.

(Kirstie Alley falling during Dancing With The Stars)

Kate Upton claims that she was just trying to teach some nearby fans "how to Dougie". The fans did not learn how to Dougie, but did receive massive erections causing them to sit quietly by themselves for the rest of the game.

"It was like she was giving that chair a lap dance. How am I supposed to enjoy watching Blake Griffen throw down some amazing dunks with that still going through my head?" questioned a Clippers fan.

McDonald's To Fire 50,000 People To Create Job Openings

McDonald's announced today that it plans to fire 50,000 crew members to make way for massive job opening. CEO, Jim Skinner, explained reasons for the turnover.

"Our plan is to get rid of all the older employees demanding raises. This will allow us to open up jobs for 16 and 17 year old's who don't mind making terrible food for minimum wage," said Skinner. "If we could pay everyone less, we would."

Current employees are worried about their fate with the company.

"They're going to be firing people left and right. I hope I don't get mixed up in the crossfire and get laid off," said three year crew member, Jessica Swelling.

McDonald's estimates they will save 1.5 billion dollars by hiring the cheaper employees.

President Obama's Nobel Peace Prize Revoked For Announcing 2012 Re-election

President Obama recently had his 2009 Nobel Peace Prize taken away with the announcement of his 2012 re-election.

The 2009 Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to Barack H. Obama "for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples and for not being George W. Bush".

In response to revocation of the prize, Obama told reporters that he was "very saddened", and he now needs to find a new center peace for his presidential desk.

With the current unrest in the Middle East, and bombing the crap out of Libya, the Nobel Organization felt their actions were justified.

"Looking back on things, we're really not sure why we gave Obama the Nobel Peace Prize. He was just elected President of the United States, and we just thought it was the sexy thing to do," said Nobel Organizers.

Charlie Sheen Under Arrest For Truth Torpedoing Detroit

Charlie Sheen was arrested earlier tonight for dropping a huge Truth Torpedo on the city of Detroit during his first live show on his stand up tour. Casualties and audience members were rushed to the exits and nearby hospitals for immediate care. They were not happy about the bombing.

"I was sitting in my seat waiting for Charlie, the next thing I know he's on stage dropping giant torpedoes of suck on me and everyone else there," said audience member and stand-up comic, Erik Hausmanis. “Chuck Lorre musta pissed himself with happiness.”

Near the end of the show Sheen took questions from the audience. When asked "If he would refund their money, he responded by telling the audience member to "Shut the eff up, so he can continue dropping torpedoes on them.”

Police officers have uncovered Sheen's plot to torpedo other cities as well.

"We found out that Sheen was planning on torpedoing Chicago tomorrow night at 8:00. We won't let that happen," said detainment officer Brad Wilson.

Quran Celebrates "Burn A Pastor Terry Jones Doll Day"

A group of Muslim holy books are planning on getting together this week to hold their controversial "Burn A Pastor Terry Jones Doll Day" in protest of Pastor Terry Jones. The Quran plans on holding a mock trial prosecuting a Terry Jones stuffed doll. At the end of the trail, the Quran will judge the Terry Jones doll as being a complete asshole, and will burn the doll to ashes.

"He's going to burn one of us, then we're going to burn one of him," said a Quran. "My cousin the Bible said that's the right thing to do."

"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you," said Matthew 7:12.

Terry Jones came under heavy fire last month for burning a Quran despite his attempts last year that brought on heavy criticism from U.S. religious leaders, and pressure from President Obama and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. President Obama was in no favor of this happening.

"I don't want that crap going down while I'm president. I don't need some guy going Hitler crazy on a religious book. I've got enough problems to deal with. Who hold's a mock trail for a book anyway? What an asshole," said President Obama.

(The expressed written views of everyone in this are all made up.)

Cleveland Indians Open Casino On Ballpark Reservation

After 63 years without winning a World Series, the Cleveland Indians have decided to open up a casino on their ballpark reservation. Team President, Mark Shapiro, believes the casino will help supplement "The Tribes" baseball team and allow them to keep, and sign promising prospects.

"It's going to be great! When the fans are done watching the team lose they can spend their money in our brand new casino," said Shapiro.

The casino will house many of the traditional gambling games, but will also have their own unique games to add to the experience. Fans will be able to play one of a kind slot machines including: You're Out, Better Luck Next Year, and Choke.

Players on the team believe this will be a great benefit to the Tribe.

"Why didn't we think of this before? This is a great way to distract the fans from how much we let them down," said Indian Chief Travis Hafner.

The new casino will open up today at 3:00 PM.