Pole Saw Enjoys Being Tool Shed Tramp

A Remington Pole Saw was caught this morning doing a pole dance in a tool shed located in Albuquerque, New Mexico. To many of the other tools delight, the pole saw was seen seductively slithering around its pole, and taking off its bra showing off its large and perky chain. Other tools did not deny the pole saw slutty behavior.

"I really like it when the pole saw gives me a lap dance," said a hammer.

Other tools in the shed do not welcome this risque behavior quiet as much. A family of Allen Wrenches were very verbal about their disgust with the pole saw's actions.

"This is a family shed, and we don't want that pole saw taking off its panties for everyone to see its triggering mechanism," said the 3/8 size Allen wrench. "We have a 5/64, and a 1/16 wrench, and they are in no condition to see this sort of activity."

Besides the Allen family, many of the other tool enjoy the pole saws "tramping" ways.

"What do you expect? I'm a pole saw. I have a giant pole. I'm the only power tool you can hold eight feet over your head to cut down a tree branch," said the pole saw after giving some Christmas decorations a private show on the top shelf in the shed.

(Photo Credit Tim Price)

38% Of Americans Too Dumb To Be American

In a recent study, NEWSWEEK gave 1,000 Americans the U.S. Citizenship Test, which 38 percent failed. The U.S. citizenship test is composed of 100 questions across five categories that no one gives a crap about: American government, systems of government, rights and responsibilities, American history, and integrated civics. Ten questions from the 100 are chosen randomly for the test-taker. To pass, people only need to answer six questions correctly.

Of the 1,000 participants, 76 percent didn't know the vice presidents nickname, 35 percent have no idea what Congress does, and 8 percent couldn't circle the United States on a map with a crayon.

Patriotic American and gun lover, Tim Price, was embarrassed by the research. "I'm embarrassed by this research," said Price.

In response to the recent study, the school board president is thinking about adding an addition two years of American history to the current high school curriculum.

If anyone is interested in seeing if they are smart enough to be an American, you can take a practice test here.

LeBron James Planning Return Trip To Cleveland To Admit He’s A Douchebag

NBA player, LeBron James, is planning a return trip to Quicken Loans Area in Cleveland tomorrow night to admit he is a big bag of douche. He announced the trip yesterday, and believes it is finally time to acknowledge that he was a complete jerk to the fans of Cleveland.

"He's a giant douchebag," said Cavaliers fan, Stephen Pirovolos.

Many Cleveland fans are mad because of the words James spoke to the city, leading them to believe he was there to bring them a championship, when he said, “I got a goal, and it’s a huge goal, and that’s to bring an NBA championship here to Cleveland, and I won’t stop until I get it,” then left the city like a coward without telling anyone on the team.

“Now when I said ‘I got a goal’ and ‘bring an NBA championship to the city’ and ‘won’t stop until I get it’ what I should have said is, ‘I'm a great big douchebag,’” said James after giving his new teammates, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh, a hug and a kiss after their win last night over Huston.


(Photo credit: http://randomfunnypicture.com/tag/douchebag/)

Cinderella Plays For Trip To NCAA National Title

Disney Princess, Cinderella, will play for yet another chance to compete in the NCAA Division I men's basketball National Championship. At an impromptu rally last night, Cinderella made a bold claim with her return to the Final Four.

"I love you all so much. This year has been magical, and we plan to celebrate with a happy ending," she said.

Cinderella lost by two points in last years title game, but hopes this year will be different. Cinderella's coach and Fairy Godmother believes it will be.

"Cinderella has been working hard all season long. She just needs to stay strong in the post, and defend shots the way we practiced. If she can do that, no team will be able to stop her," said the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella will play the winner of the VCU/KU match up later today.

Oompa-Loompas Go On Strike

After forty-seven long years without a complaint, Willy Wonka’s Oompa-Loompas went on strike this past week protesting their harsh working conditions in the chocolate factory. They were seen picketing outside of the Wonka factory singing and dancing their complaints.

“Oompa-Loompa doompadadedoo. If you are wise you’ll listen to me. What do you get when you pay no salary? Working and working all, day, long, without any heat on! Oompa-Loompa doompadadee. We are on strike as you can see,” sang the Oompa-Loompas.

The Loompas strike comes as a great surprise to factory manager and company CEO, Willy Wonka, who is not happy about the situation.

“I rescued those ungrateful bastards from a hell-hole of an island, and this is how they repay me? Fine, I’ll just send them back to Loompaland with all the other Whangdoodles, Hornswogglers, Snozzwangers, and Vermicious Knids!” exclaimed Wonka.

Despite Wonka’s grim outlook on the strike, both parties are currently working out a deal. Although the Loompas demands are still unclear, we do know they do want $8.50/hour wage, and one free Scrumdiddlyumptious bar per day. Wonka hopes to have the factory up and going again by next week.

Jersey Shore's Snooki Actually A Man

The popular Jersey Shore character, Snooki, was spotted without her makeup this week, and is now believed to be a man. Eye witness reports reveal that Snooki is not a small woman, rather a butt-ugly individual. Eyewitness reports recap the horrific scene.

"I was going to the beach this morning, and I saw this thing putting on sun lotion. From a distance I thought it was a hot babe, then I got up close and wasn't sure what the hell it was," said eyewitness, Johnathan Antoni.

Other reports came in that same day recapping the sighting, saying the "thing" was rubbing oil on its body, and then walked into a car to put on makeup. Unfortunately for innocent passerby's, the damage was already done.

"I wanted to stab my eyes out with a cork-screw," said Antoni.

Although the controversy continues, avid fans of the show believe that this is nothing new. Maxwell Chester has been watching the show since season one.

"I thought it went without saying that she was a man. Only a man that ugly would have boobs that big to distract you from looking at his face," said Chester.

When asked to respond to the claims, Snooki said, "Isn't it obvious?" then went back to her game show where she licked coco butter off another man's back.

President Obama Criticized For Sending John Rambo Into Libya

President Obama has come under heavy fire Thursday after his decision to send in veteran war hero, John Rambo, to Libya.

"I believe that sending Rambo into Libya is what's best for everyone. I know I said we wouldn't send in ground troops, but I did not say that I wouldn't send in at least one ground troop, singular," explained the President at a press conference.

When questioned about Rambo's senior age the President disregarded the question as a non-issue.

"As many of us saw in the 2008 film, Rambo, John still knows how to get things done in an explosive, effective, and wildly entertaining manner," said Obama.

Many of Obama's critiques believe that sending a man with such a graphic, R-Rated demeanor, goes against the President's peace efforts.



When asked about his upcoming mission, John Rambo simply stated his entire script from Rambo: First Blood, and said "They drew first blood, not me."

Tom Cruise Finally Admits That He’s Gay

After years of hiding in the closet, Tom Cruise finally came out and admitted that he is homosexual.

“There’s no need to hide it anymore. I’m Gay with a capitol G. Most people probably already knew it, but it’s about time that I said it. I’m really into guys,” Cruise told reporters last night.

His ex-wife Nicole Kidman said “Yeah, isn’t it obvious that he’s gay? Why do you think we got divorced? He kept trying to make me wear a beard during intercourse.”

With the world being more accepting of the homosexual community, Cruise felt that it was an appropriate time to explain his personal sexual preference.

“I’ve had feelings for men ever since Top Gun. You all saw how sexy Val (Kilmer) looked in the movie, especially in the shower scene with just that towel wrapped around his body. He would have turned any other person gay if you were on that set long enough too.”

In response to Cruise’s new sexual orientation, his current wife, Katie Holmes, is taking preventative measures for their four-year-old daughter, Suri, by starting her on penis shaped gummys.

(Tom Cruise is not actually gay, but his wife did give their daughter penis shaped gummys.)

Red Hot Chili Peppers Acknowledge They Are The Greatest Band Ever

The Red Hot Chili Peppers have finally come to terms with the fact that they are the greatest band the world has ever heard.

Lead singer, Anthony Kiedis, spoke on the band’s behalf. “Wow, I really don’t know what to say. We really appreciate being the best band in the world. I guess with hits like Californication, Fortune Faded, Under the Bridge, Snow…gosh, come to think of it we are a really good band. Why didn’t we acknowledge how awesome we were earlier? Perhaps breaking up wasn't the best move for us after all.”


After the release of Stadium Arcadium in 2006, it was clear that every song on the double disc set was brilliant, which led to the bands superior status as being the best band ever.
Avid RHCP fan, Tommy Mayfield, told reporters that he had no doubt of the bands hierarchy in the music world.

“The Red Hot Chili Peppers are the greatest band ever. In fact, if I was given the choice right now between given a million dollars, or getting slapped in the face by “Flea”, I would definitely take the slap in the face. Something like that would be priceless,” said Mayfield.

With the band finally coming to terms with their greatness, every other band in the world can continue making subpar music, realizing they will never be as good as the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Libya Weather Forecast: Cloudy With A Chance of Tomahawk Missiles

The Libyan forecast today calls for partly cloudy skies, with a 50% chance of a Tomahawk missile strike. Head of state, Muammar Gaddafi, described the unusual weather.

"Normally this time of year it is just hot and humid, so what we are experiencing now is very unusual," said Gaddafi.



The unusual weather pattern started last week when 112 long-range Tomahawk cruise missiles pelted the city.

"That initial storm was pretty bad. I mean I really wasn't expecting that at all. One minute I was like, laughing because oil prices are so high, the next minute I was like, holy cow, my neighbors house just blew up," Gaddafi explained to reporters.

The five-day weather outlook does appear to be clearing up for Libya, as they expect missiles to turn into .311 caliber bullets, and then into smoky skies and sunshine.

Danica Patrick Blames Crash On Other Drive, What Else Is New?

NASCAR driver, Danica Patrick, had yet another PMS moment after her crash at Bristol. After the crash she waited for the cars to come around the corner. She walked onto the track, and threw her arms up as to say “I need to blame my crash on someone because I can’t admit that I completely suck as a driver.”

After looking at the footage in slow motion, it appears that Patrick drifted over and bumped into Ryan Truex.



Truex told reporters that the crash was a complete accident. “I'm really not sure what happened, but apparently when Patrick crashed it was my fault. I didn’t mean to do anything. I'm sorry. Again, I'm really not sure what I did wrong, but I'm apologizing anyway.”

In a post race interview Patrick recapped what she thought happened. “That bastard came out of no where! Didn’t he see that I was drifting towards him? It’s clearly his fault.” Then Patrick flipped everyone off and began eating a chocolate bar.

Man Smashes Guitar To Prove America’s Dominance

In attempts to prove that America is still the best country in the world, Karil Augustine smashed a Gibson guitar on a cement pillar to prove its durability.

"I could have thrown an apple pie at a clown on the forth of July while eating a hot dog, but instead I smashed a guitar. I figured that would be best for America," explained Augustine.



“I swung that thing as hard as I could and it barely even damaged. Try smashing a Yamaha against a cement pillar six times and see how well that holds up,” said Augustine.

The video's diplomatic influenced has been overwhelming. Irishman, Patrick O’Flannery, changed his opinion about America after watching the footage.

“It really influenced my thoughts on America. I used to think they were a bunch of wimps, but that guitar was tough as nails. It's strangely patriotic and actually made wish I was American,” O’Flannery told reporters after waking up face down and butt naked in an abandoned office building after St. Patrick's Day celebration.

Rebecca Black's Friday Cut Short Due To Bedtime

Overnight YouTube agitation, Rebecca Black, had her Friday cut short this weekend after her mom informed her that she needed to go to bed.

"I was like, Mom! Seriously? It's the weekend already! OMG!" exclaimed Rebecca.



Her mother told reporters her justification for sending Rebecca to bed. "She's a thirteen year-old girl. I don't care how many hits her video has on the YouTube. It's ten-o-clock and that means bedtime."

Rebecca then started listing the reasons why she wanted to stay up. "But mom it's Friday, Friday, I gotta get down on Friday! Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwords," sang Rebecca.

Her mom responded by saying "I know the days of the week. Don't patronize me." Then she grounded Rebecca for a month after finding out she was getting down with an oddly out of place older black gentlemen who is trying to start a rap career by performing in pre-teen girl videos.

Toilet Plunger Disappointed in Career Choice

After plunging a clogged toilet, a discouraged plunger began to rethink its career choice.

“This job really sucks,” stated the plunger. “Do you want to put your head in a feces infested toilet? I didn’t think so.”

The wood handle, rubber headed plunger has been working since the early days of the double-ply toilet paper. It appears that the plunger is ready to call it quits.

“Would I like to stop plunging toilets? Yes. Am I going to stop plunging anytime soon? No. Am I hoping that the “un-cloggable” toilet is invented sometime in the next year? Of course, but until then I have a family to provide for like my daughter, the bidet.”

After the interview, the plunger went back to work taking care of a situation at the Taco Cabana.

Religious Man Found Cock Blocked by Jesus

John-Mark Luke, a 37-year old theologian, was found cock blocked again last night by starting multiple conversations about Jesus.

“I just don’t understand? We were at a pub speaking with wholesome women, but once I brought up our savior, Jesus Christ, the conversation just ended,” said Luke.

John-Mark is a devote Catholic, who enjoys speaking about his religion and making other feel extremely uncomfortable.

“I once had a Jewish girl friend, but we kept getting in arguments about whether or not Jesus was the messiah or not,” mentioned Luke. “I just know there’s someone out there for me.”

In response to the cock blocking accusations, Jesus said, “Deal with your own problems ya freak. I’ve got enough on my plate over here. Stop blaming me for your lack of closing skills.”

Chuck Norris Fakes Death To Become Relevant Again

Famous actor and martial-art expert, Chuck Norris, faked his own death Friday in a feeble attempt to get back in pop-culture conversation.

“I used to be so popular,” said Norris. “I had my own cult following. I was all the rage. Five years ago you couldn’t have a folksy conversation without hearing an interesting fact about my life. Now everyone wants to talk about earthquakes, and Charlie Sheen’s drug habits.”

In Norris’ attempt to fake his death, he hired his good friend, Steven Seagal, to “find” him “passed out” in his living room after exercising on his Total Gym home workout machine.

Seagal thought the idea would work out well. “I know Norris is hard to kill and a dangerous man, but those Total Gyms really give you a good workout, and Norris is really getting up there in age, so I thought people would understand. I was going to stop by his house when he was half past dead, and then revive him myself to show how caring of a person I am.”

Norris explained the plan to the local authorities then wrote in his diary titled Guinness Book of World Records.

Charlie Sheen Loses at Game of “LIFE”

Charlie Sheen has been on a winning streak ever since revealing to the world how crazy he has become. Earlier this morning however, that winning streak came to an abrupt end when he was playing the game of “LIFE” with his girls Sam and Lola.

“What can I say? I’m embarrassed. I never lose. It didn’t help that I received a very low salary and somewhat expensive house. How’s anyone supposed to live off $70,000 a year?” replied Sheen after he lost.

The game was not even close. With Sheen’s final life savings of just $750,000, his daughter Lola easily handled him with $4,250,000.

“I also ended up with a crap load of kids. I had to lay them down in that little station wagon,” Sheen said bitterly. “In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have spent that quarter-mill on the 7-gram Cocaine rocks on the “Party” square.

Dennis Richards, the girl’s mother, stopped by after the game to pick up her girls and quickly made a comment, "Sheen is such an A-hole.”

NFL Players Respond to Lockout by Holding All Night Lock-In

The NFL players and owners were unable to decide how to share the nine billion dollars that the NFL rakes in each season.

The lock-in will include the ten NFL players who are suing the owners in federal court. The lock-in will allow the players to get to know each other on a more personal level and discuss their needs, and how their multi-million dollar salaries just don’t cut it in this day and age.

League MVP, Tom Brady, discussed the details of the lock-in. “It's going to be really fun! Von (Miller) is buying the pizzas, Mike (Vrabel) is bringing some movies, and Peyton (Manning) is going to provide the board games, but everyone is going to bring the conversation skills,” said Brady. “We plan on discussing important issues, like how none of us have put away any money for our kids college funds, and what hair style the guys think I should wear this off season.”

“We also want less money to go to rookies. The money we don’t give to them can go to the veterans who earned it,” replied Peyton (Manning).

Tina Turner Finally Figures Out What Love's Got To Do With It

Almost 27 years after her famous single debuted, Tina Turner finally figured out what "love" has got to do with it.

"What's Love Got to Do with It" is a song about a woman who is too afraid to fall in love because she is afraid of getting her heart broken. But after being out of the spotlight for what feels like decades, the famous singer had an epiphany one morning when she woke up.

"I was like, Ah! That's what love has got to do with it! It’s about sharing your feelings with someone you care about," said Turner. "It's not just a second hand emotion. Why I thought that way I will never know."

Avid Turner fan, Erik Hausmanis, knew all along what love has to do with it.

“I’ll tell you what love has got to do with it, nothing!” exclaimed Hausmanis, who just broke up with his girlfriend.

Man Confuses Muscles So Much They Forget How to Workout

A University of Akron graduate student, Nick Potenzini, has taken part in the latest rage at the gym by doing muscle confusion workouts. His workouts were going well, until last night when he came in to exercise.

“My muscles are so confused that I don’t know what exercises to do,” said Potenzini.

Other gym goers have watched Nick working his muscle confusion routines, and they have no idea how he does it.

“That guy’s workouts look so confusing. One minute he’s doing jumping jacks, then the next thing you know he’s being chased by a squirrel with a 45 pound weight in his hands,” said gym-floor manager Meagan Wain.

Nick said he starts with workouts with some light stretching, then he does some heavy weight routines that he makes up on the fly, after that he goes into rock climbing, and to further confuse his muscles he likes to dangle from a tree by his legs.

“It’s all about confusion. Never doing the same workout more than once. Unfortunately for me, my muscle are so confused I can’t workout,” said Potenzini after making his biceps take the MCAT exam.

Charlie Sheen Sues for One-Hundred BILLION Dollars!

Two and a Half Men actor, Charlie Sheen, is suing Warner Bros. Television, and the show creator, Chuck Lorre, for reported One-Hundred Billion dollars.

Sheen explained his logic in deciding his absurd dollar amount, “I could sue for five or ten million, but why stop there? Plus I just got done watching Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery.”

In response to the lawsuit Chuck Lorre had this to say about Sheen, “The guy is off his freaking rocker. Did you see that 20/20 interview? The only thing he is going to WIN is a swift kick in the nuts! This is worse than the time Tom Cruise jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch.”

Sheen has taken it upon himself to represent the entire crew of the show in his lawsuit. Considering he is the reason they are out of work, it was the absolute least he could do.

“Taking care of the sitcoms crew is also part of my high dollar mark in this lawsuit. After I WIN, I will take care of their combined salaries for the eight remaining episodes, which should dent my pocket about $175,000,” said Sheen after he waved a machete atop of the Live Nation office building in Beverly Hills, Calif.

Photo from poponthepop.com

Ohio State Football Coach Knowingly Lets Football Players Play Football

Ohio State football coach, Jim Tressel, knowingly let football players continue playing football for the entire 2010 season, after reading an email saying some players may have been given improper benefits for selling memorabilia.

“I thought the email was a joke. These kids receive thousands of dollars in scholarships, living expenses, food stipends, monthly allowances, etc., but it’s not okay for them to sell their personal property for some tattoos? I X’d out of the email and enjoyed a good laugh,” said Tressel after reported allegations that he knew about the players wrong doing without giving them repercussions.

The rule against selling gear while playing in the NCAA is a relatively new one. It was created after nine football players at the University of Georgia were caught selling championship rings and a jersey on eBay in 2003. ESPN.com college reporter Mark Schlabach, University of Georgia Alum, has no mercy for Tressel.

“Despite leading the Buckeyes to seven Big Ten titles, the 2002 BCS national championship, ’04 & ’06 Fiesta Bowl victories, 2010 Rose Bowl win, and 2011 Sugar Bowl win, this guy still can’t win a big game and is a cheater,” said Schlabach. “How can you let these kids keep playing football, when you know they should be sitting on the bench thinking about what they did?”

“These kids are here to go to school and play football, but next time I hear about Terrelle Pryor selling a towel that was used to wipe off his sweat, I’ll be sure to report it, so he will sit out a few games,” said Tressel.

Northeast Ohio Weatherman Admits to Forecasting Weather by Throwing Darts at Board

A local Northeast Ohio Weatherman has admitted that he no longer uses high-tech forecast equipment to let people know what the winter weather will be doing in the coming weeks.

“Honestly, the dart board is just a good as any fancy computer I used to have. They’re both about 80% accurate, but this way is much more fun,” said News Channel 7 Meteorologist Mark Johnsonoffski.

By throwing darts at a board, the meteorologist is able to come into work two hours later.

“It saves a lot of time on research and all that technical crap I used to do,” replied Johnsonoffski.

Aspiring meteorologist on the weather team, Jenna Hanson, was surprised to learn the unique ways of predicting weather.

“At first I didn’t believe it, but once I saw the board it all made sense. Throwing a dart, or sometimes a pencil, at the weather board is just as good as a multi-million dollar radar satellite,” said Hanson.

It should be noted that the News Channel 7 weather team currently holds the second most accurate forecast in Northeast Ohio, right behind the News Channel 6 weather team, which predicts the weather by the feeling in their knees.

Gas Pump Rapes Woman During Late Night Fill-up

An LA resident was found violated last night during her late night fill-up at a Chevron station paying $4.49 a gallon on Cesar Chavez Ave. An eyewitness report claims to have seen the young woman filling up her car when it happened.

“At first I didn’t believe what I was seeing, then she put the pump in her gas tank and started filling up. Didn’t she know she could have that same gas for $3.69 at Vons on Woodruff Ave near Carson St? It was a hard sight to watch,” said area man, Jon Hellers.

After the incident, the woman felt confused and violated.

“I’ll never be the same. Why did I pay that much for gas? That night will live in my mind forever. That pump just had its way with me, and there was nothing I could do,” said the rapee who wishes to remain anonymous.

Since purchasing gasoline is not a federal crime, the woman is not pressing any charges. Although it is not clear what the pumps motif was, it is likely to rape many more women, and men in the coming months.

Elderly Man Forgets What He is Watching During Commercial Break

An elderly gentlemen forgot what he was watching Monday, after an extensive commercial break in his TV program.

“I think I was watching the Jackie Gleason Show but I may have been watching Everybody Love Raymond,” said the very confused, 87 year old, Carl Manning.

“I turned the channel for one minute, and I forgot what program I was watching. It happened that fast.”

His wife, who had left the room to go to the bathroom, was gone for over 30 minutes, had no recollection of the television even being on.

“I thought we were listening to the radio,” said Beatrice Manning.

Independent TV Guide reports indicate that the time frame Manning said he was watching TV that neither the Jackie Gleason Show, nor Everybody Loves Raymond was on. They also have reported that the Jackie Gleason Show has been off the air for more than 35 years.

Chris Bosh Makes Halftime Tampon Run for Heat

Chris Bosh made a half-time tampon run during the Heat game Sunday vs. the Bulls. When asked who on the team would make the run for the menstruating bunch, Chris Bosh eagerly raised his hand and said he would do it, in hopes of becoming a better role player for Dwyane Wade and LeBron James.

Immediately after the second quarter, coach Erik Spoelstra, noticed a pool of blood in the team's locker room. After making several false assumptions that the blood was from a sacrificial goat to relieve the team of their three game loosing streak, the entire Heat team admit that they were "going through that time of the month".

"I need a super absorbent tampon with wings, now!" exclaimed James.

Wade refused to admit that he too was menstruating, but the blood running down his leg was evident that he was having a difficult time during the game.